Tony Brown Art Blog

I wrote the controversial children’s book “Winter bunny kicks summer bunny’s ass.”

“Concerned citizen calls the station manager at KVAL to complain that their digital broadcast is interfering with his reception of KWVA, 88.1 on the radio dial, but it doesn’t really matter because everything is on the internet these days and he can access it via his $250 computer from Next Step recycling.”

“Mayor Kitty Piercy meets with Genghis Khan to discuss the status of the Oregon marionberry over a soy au lait at Full City and hears tribal drumming coming from the Saturday Market, but it is Wednesday.”

“U2 couldn’t sell out the Wow Hall as it was the same night Phil Lesh and Ratdog were playing the Cuthbert. They added Radiohead to the bill, but it still did not sell out because the Country Fair was going on and Ninkasi beers were being offered at half off at Sam Bond’s Garage. They added the guy who sings at 8th and Willamette and the show sold out even though NASCAR was making its debut in Springfield.”

“In an effort to improve tourism, local witches brought Steve Prefontaine back to life to run one last race. Although he looks tattered, he still runs fast. He is ahead of his competitors until he breathes in some field burning smoke and dies. He gets up and retakes the lead when suddenly police and federal agents surround him and taser him to his death for suspected past eco-terrorism crimes. He gets up and again pushes past the other runners for the victory. He is later disqualified for a banned substance that was in the Burrito Boy burrito he had before the race.”    TB 2009

A new investigative report by TB Press has uncovered a disturbing secret of the new mouth wash manufactured by Science Diet. Yes, the same Science Diet that makes the popular brand of Dog foods. The unnamed reporter for TB Press was able to get inside the manufacturing facility and find that both products are made not only in the same building but on the same manufacturing lines. “They would do a couple hours of dog food production, and then they would hose down the line, and switch over to their mouth wash product for humans” said the inside reporter. Spokesperson for Science Diet said: “In our defense when we hose down the lines between production runs, we are using some pretty harsh chemicals to get the lines really clean.”

Oregon Rain direct from the barrel

You too, can own your own Oregon rain.  For only $3.50 USD (plus S/H) you can make this dream happen. This product is 98% pure Oregon rain (approximately 2% natural gutter filtering sediments – a preservative). The batch for sale at this time is the Winter 2008/2009 mix edition and has been aged in the above barrel for just the right amount of time. We had more snow than normal this season, which I believe added to the clarity of this year’s product. Next Winter season we may offer an early winter mix starting around December 2009!

Possible Uses:  Good to water plants with (like your chia pet), wash your cat with it, Good for use in indoor water fountains,  a conversation starter, you could warm it up and soak your feet in it (although this may require you to buy more than one jar), gifts for friends and relatives, etc.,etc.

Note #1 – Not intended for human consumption.

Note #2 – Oregon rain water can be transferred into your own container.

Note #3 – This product has not been tested on animals!

Oregon Rain in a jar

$ 3.50 USD per 8 ounce jar

We do not have quart jars in stock, but you can special order them for $8.50 USD per jar.

Send order requests to:

eventgardegallery@yahoo.com

with a subject line of “oregon rain order”

Oregon Rain in a jar is not affiliated with Oregon Rain bottled water.

I wish the scientists could figure this one out. I am tired of being a fat American!

Eugene, OR – Jim Smith, 42, of Eugene, OR found out he is a hippy by taking an online quiz that was forwarded to him from a friend on a social network. “It was really quite the shock to find out I am a hippy! I mean really, I am a hunter, and an avid NASCAR fan.” “On the other hand, I do like tofu, and I have been to the Oregon Country Fair (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon_Country_Fair) one time.” The man’s wife added “Well, it was on the internet, so it must be true.”

Inspired by the November 2004 U2 album “How to dismantle an atomic bomb” I decided to do some research on the topic, and here is what I found:
Dismantling an atomic bomb is not for the faint of heart. Probably the first thing you want to do is look for a “made in XXXX” sticker on the bomb. If it was made in China, you should be concerned about the lead paint that might have been used to paint the outside of the bomb. If your local home improvement store does not carry full lead protection suits, you might check on ebay (they have everything).

What you will need for this job:

a philips head screwdriver

at least 100 yards of waxed tooth floss

a sledge hammer

KY jelly

wire cutter

a full keg of beer

a trained bomb sniffing dog (two if you can get them)

UV protection sun glasses

A place to dump the toxic uranium after you are done. (flushing it down the toilet is not recommended)

a volunteer to film the event and put it on youtube.

A laptop computer and usb connection cable (also internet connectivity so you can have access to wikipedia).

Updated and increased insurance coverage.

a flashlight.

Maintenance manual for a 1995 Dodge dakota 4×4.

a lighter and a blowtorch.

And probably most importantly, you need the deactivation code. If you don’t have this, you may be able to call the manufacturer with the serial number, and if you are lucky, they will be able to provide you with this information.

Ok, now for the process:

1. Determine which end of the bomb is the top part.

2. blah blah blah

….

439. Cut the green cable, no wait, cut the blue cable. What ever you do not cut the green cable!

440. Inform those within a 50 mile radius of your dismantle that they can now return safely to their homes.

441. Cancel enhanced insurance policy.

442. Update your status on Facebook and Twitter.

A funny thing happened on the way to the market. I died. More specifically, I was assassinated. Tiny micro robots well trained in the many ways of killing a human being. I suspect they were sent for me by the Hamburger Three, a secret organization whose goal is to continue the spread of fast food around the world and beyond. Could be related to the comment I left on the Ronald McDonald’s MySpace Page. Basically, I said that he is a scary clown, and that he should consider using meat from organic farms for his food joints. When you are dead, it is hard to tell what is real and what is a dream. For example, when you are alive and you see a fire breathing dragon, you naturally assume you are dreaming. When you are dead, you can’t make that assumption. I digress. Since dying, I find myself asking questions such as:
Am I supposed to be somewhere?
How do I find the famous people?

Where is my body?
Why am I here?
Basically the same kind of questions I asked when I was alive. As I make my way through the dark halls of the netherworld, I am surprised to find advertising on the walls. The ads are mostly for private investigators. You know, stuff like “Find out who killed you”, “Did the cubs ever win the world series?”, or the strangely common ad “Find out what happened to your pet ferret named Fred.” The ads don’t have a phone number, instead they have you think about some obscure object or idea which will connect you with that person’s afterlife virtual phone. As you can imagine there are many “wrong numbers” due to this strange system. Just the other day I was thinking about a tiger solving a Rubik’s cube and suddenly I heard a voice. “Hello, Tom’s thought suppression , how can I help you?”

…Time is different here. There are TV like devices all around that allow you to watch your, as well as others, entire life unedited. I watched my whole life in what seemed like the amount of time to the watch the movie Inland Empire by David Lynch. Both were kind of confusing and hard to follow.

…I come upon a river of cheese whiz. I know it’s cheese whiz because it is yellow and filled with cheese whiz containers and former Kraft Corporation board members. My attention is drawn to the flashing sign on the other side of the river that reads “FUN!” I can’t resist this giant neon sign. I find a vessel along the shore that appears to be giant Popsicle sticks glued together. I jump on and push off. The current suddenly picks up. I am swept over a waterfall. The cheese whiz tastes like chocolate.

… Rumor on the cloud streets is that there is a way out for those whose lives were taken unnaturally. You must rub the belly of former American president Teddy Roosevelt while singing the theme song to the TV series Facts of Life. After a long search I find the former president. I ask him if I can rub his belly. He says go ahead, and asks me if I would like some ice cream. I start rubbing and start to sing:

“ You take the good, you take the bad, you them both, and there you have the facts of life…”

…I awake to the ringing of my alarm. Something makes me think of an old saying that says something like: “In dreams begin reality”. I think to myself: “I’m screwed!”

Tony Brown 2009

I am not...

I am not who I thought I would be. A fatal flaw in my programming was discovered while I was studied under the world’s largest microscope. Reboot. Dark spots where there should be light areas. My right arm is a cartoon and is Homer Simpson yellow. My left arm is super heated lava rock and has issues with the other arm. In a dark corner deep within, Fellini’s 8+1/2 is showing with a new soundtrack by the Flaming Lips. The fog is thick, but tastes like apple butter. Can you hear the irregular thumping of my monkey heart? Once when I was sacrificed, I was told my blood tasted a little like V8 juice. There is a rib joint around the corner run by Ken Griffey Jr., but I never eat there. My one robotic eye came from the garage sale of one six million dollar man. The radical liberation group’s bomb threat was a hoax. I put a tarp up, but the rain continues to fall on my internal organs. Drip. Drip. Drip. There is a special on the National Geographic Channel about me tonight at 8pm. Check your local listings. The (solar lights no parasites no) camels lead me through the maze. Now on top, looking back down, I can barely read the tattoo which says “Insert smiley face here.”

Tony Brown 2008